I don't regret doing it, just that it had to be done at all

by Older and wiser

2007-09-27

I was 20, less than a year out of A-Levels, and in what I thought was my first real adult relationship. We had been seeing each other almost daily for about four months. But it had never gone beyond kissing and light petting. He treated me the way a woman likes to be treated. I was so happy.

Then one day I spent the day at his home alone. I thought I was in for more petting and kissing. I was wrong. I would say I was taken by surprise rather than forced, because we were already naked. I just never consented to do anything different from what we normally did. It hurt like hell. I got no enjoyment whatsoever from it, and thankfully it was over quickly.

I could not get past what had happened, and how he didn't ask me first if I wanted to go so far. So I wrote him a long letter expressing how I felt and broke it off.

Two months later, after a few phone calls checking in on each other, he suggested I get a test done, because he had "a bad feeling". Sure enough it was positive. I panicked. I was unemployed and broke. And I came from a very religious family, where the threat of being "put out" was used constantly.

When he asked what I wanted to do the first thing that came to mind was "get rid of it, my parents cannot find out". The thought of being cast out on my own with no money and no support terrified me. But after the initial panic I thought about how I could manage to go about having it.

Then he dropped the bombshell by stating that it can't be his baby because I was with so many guys at the time. I can laugh at that now, because given my innocence at the time it was a joke. But at the time I was mortified. Not only would I have to deal with the fallout of telling my parents I was unmarried and pregnant, but now I would have to do so without the father there to back me up.

I was determined to get rid of it as soon as possible. Apparently that was all he wanted to hear because he promptly took me to a doctor to have the procedure done.

The doctor did the usual injection and dose of tablets. I took the tablets at home and within two hours I was writhing in pain. Then the bleeding and diarrhea started. I thought I was going to die. I was so scared, and couldn't tell a soul. That lasted over night. The next day the bleeding had completely stopped and I thought it was over, without anyone finding out.

But after a couple days I felt something wasn't right. So I called the doctor, and after he asked a few questions, he said to come back in because it "didn't take". So we went back in and I had a physical exam, which confirmed that I was still pregnant.

By this time I really didn't want to do it, and wanted to keep my baby, but sat there listening to him explain that there was no turning back now because there could be side effects. What was done was done, and I would have to go to be scraped now, as the drugs did not expel the foetus.

What followed was an experience in humiliation and fear. One doctor said I was by this time over two months so he couldn't do anything for me, and so referred me to another doctor. There I had to have a physical exam again, for the third time for the day. This after not having more than two guys even see me remotely naked, how humiliating!

Then I was put under general anaesthesia and taken to a room with a patient's bed equipped with stirrups. Luckily I passed out before I could begin crying. But I don't think I was dosed enough because I began to wake up before he was finished.

I distinctly remember feeling something long and hard being removed from inside me. What it was I don't know. But to this day I still fear that it wasn't something metallic, but rather him removing his you know what from inside me. That would be the ultimate humiliation.

I was so lethargic and out of it when I first came round that he had to put a wad of tissue like a sanitary pad between my legs for me, to deal with the remnant bleeding. Then I was left in a separate room to recover. My ex came in to sit with me. He tried his best to calm me down, but by then I was hysterical. I was crying and begging for my baby, my mother, God, somebody to help me. This probably went on for about an hour. Then we left, I went home, and started what would be a year of being withdrawn and depressed.

I am not sorry I had an abortion. Only sorry that it had to happen, and the way it happened. But given the circumstances at the time, I still think it was the right decision. I just regret that I had not told my mother or some female friend so I would have had some support through that trying time. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.

I am in my early thirties now, educated, qualified and just now starting in my specialist field in a foreign country. If I had had that child I would never have left TnT and pursued a world class education and career. Given the absolute bastard that the father turned out to be I have no doubt that I would have been a single mother struggling on my own to this day.

There was an unexpected effect to the entire episode, as to this day I am still single. Somehow that experience killed something inside of me. Innocent hopes and dreams were killed, never to return. And I especially do not trust men. I cannot bring myself to become too emotionally involved with anyone. In fact I can never really see myself getting married. I would like to, and would like to have children some day. But I cannot say I am definitely going to. But who knows what the future brings.

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