So many reasons to

by D.

2007-09-30

Growing up as a good Catholic girl I was firmly against pre-marital sex and abortion. That is, until I became sexually active at age 20 and amended my belief system to one where pre-marital sex was okay as long as you loved the person.

I still believed myself to be a "good girl" so even though I was sexually active I wouldn't admit it to myself, and since I was in denial, birth control was out of the question. Using birth control would mean admitting to myself that I was sexually active and therefore no longer a "good girl." I certainly wasn't ready for that!

The first time it happened I'd been seeing this guy for less than a month. As a matter of fact "seeing him" is probably a bit of a stretch. There was a mutual attraction and we had limed a few times. The first time we had sex, I had gone to his apartment for a visit. One thing led to another and although I didn't want to because things were moving much faster than I was comfortable with, we had sex.

And I got pregnant.

As soon as I found out there was no question in my mind that I needed to terminate. I was 20, had a decent job and lived at home with a single mother and 2 younger brothers. More importantly I had plans of moving to the US and getting my degree(s) and I barely knew this guy. Sure he was fun to be around, but I didn't yet know if I was interested in a serious relationship with him let alone bear his child.

He voiced his objections saying simply that he "didn't believe in abortion" but respected my decision and paid for it. I told my mother and she accompanied me to the tiny doctor's office where the immensely painful suction procedure was done on a makeshift table with only Valium to relax me. $500.

Shortly thereafter he moved away and the forceripe relationship fizzled.

Fastforward. Five years later. Through a chance meeting we are reunited and begin our relationship anew. Several months into it I'm pregnant. This time the decision is mutual and we are referred to a very reputable and well-known OB-GYN who does a D&C at a private nursing home. Very professional, painfree experience. $1100.

After that I went on birth control pronto. The relationship lasted almost 2 years and then I moved to the US.
While there I met my husband-to-be. A few months into the relationship...you guessed it, I was pregnant. One would think that after two previous abortions I'd be older and wiser, but I wasn't.

We think we're responsible adults but still...STILL we take chances. We throw caution to the wind in the heat of the moment. We think the odds are on our side. We gamble as casually as if we were playing all-fours and the ante was merely a handful of spent matchsticks and not actual lives.

This was the first time I actually agonized over the decision. I was in love. He was in love. But the timing was horrible. I hadn't even started college/university yet. I was due to start in a few months and in the meantime I was temping and saving to pay tuition. He had just moved out of town and was between jobs. I did what I thought I had to do. I went to Planned Parenthood accompanied by 2 girlfriends, suffered through the ultrasound and counselling session, paid the US$433 and terminated. Again.

Two years later we're engaged to be married. In June (6 months before our wedding date) I find out that I'm pregnant. The wedding date is swiftly moved up so that I can walk down the aisle before I begin to show.

A year after our daughter is born, I find that I'm pregnant again. She's still a baby. Financially things were a little tight. I had just started a new job, the pay wasn't great and aside from the fact that I would not be entitled to maternity leave, my husband and I were having problems. Once again the timing was all wrong. Another baby so soon would be disastrous.

Plus, although he's a fantastic father, he wasn't interested in having another child. As far as he was concerned one was enough. He made his wishes clear although issuing the caveat that ultimately it was my body so it was my decision. I'd always wanted at least two children but I did what I thought I had to do to save my marriage and my sanity.

I took a day off from work and had the procedure (D&C) done at a private hospital. As soon as the anaesthetic wore off, in complete defiance of hospital rules, I drove myself (in pain and mourning) like a bat out of hell to pick up my daughter from daycare before the 6pm deadline. My husband was out of the country. When he got back it was as if nothing had happened. 'Cept for the fact that we were $2200 poorer.

Almost two years later we had another daughter. Now we're a perfect, happy family of four and my husband is completely against having anymore kids. He has even half jokingly threatened to divorce me if we got pregnant again. I don't see the humour.

Although I'm happy with two children and don't wish to have anymore I keep asking myself what I would do if I did get pregnant again. After the last time (#4) I swore to myself and to him that I would never have another abortion.

...Or would I?

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