Smart yet Stupid

by Still worried

2007-10-01

I was a relatively smart and disciplined person all my life. I graduated from a prestigious Catholic school and was very involved in my church and other youth groups. I was even a role model for so many other younger people and always took pride in the way I carried myself and my ability to keep my legs closed even though I had boyfriends.

I knew it all... I had it all planned out. Finish my studies, get a good job, get married and then have kids.........exactly in that order. Then life happened!

I went to Jamaica to study and even though my parents were never over protective of me this new found freedom I had was very exciting. I remembered saying to myself upon arriving on campus that I couldn't be 20 yrs and still a virgin so this is the best place to do as I please. After all no one knew me here so by the time I graduate I will be forgotten.

So I started a relationship with a young man who soon became my everything. It was very common for me to sleep in his room every night even though I had my own room on campus. We were very much in love and thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

Then after one year of being together I became pregnant. He was a 4th year medical student on scholarship and was his parents "precious son". He therefore didn't want to upset them and although he was very supportive of me told me he wasn't ready to have a child. I too wasn't ready.

I remembered my mother always telling me not to embarass her by coming back home pregnant. After all I was the first to go to University in my family so she didn't want to be embarrassed.

So I had my first abortion in December 2001 at 21. I went to this private hospital in Jamaica and it was really quick and painless. I just remembered I was sedated and the next thing I knew they were waking me up to tell me my boyfriend was there to pick me up. He was very attentive to me when we got back to campus and because no one else knew we just pretended I was sick with the flu. I didn't have any pains really after so besides the emotional trauma I recovered rather quickly. I remembered though my exams were very close to beginning and I was so depressed after that I just shut down. I didn't study and I failed 4 out of my 5 courses.

Then in May, next semester (2002) I missed my period again and was again pregnant. This time my boyfriend said the we should have it but he wasn't sure how to break the news to his parents. I told him though I didn't want to go through with it so I headed to the clinic again and had my second abortion. Again I failed my exams that semester.

In December of that same year I became pregnant for the third time. By now I should have realised that there is a positive correlation between my exams and my pregnancies but I chose to ignore these signs and found myself in the same situation. So another abortion took place and again my exams suffered.

I remembered confiding in one of my girlfriends and she said to me "You know your boyfriend is a doctor and you are pretty smart so why don't you all prevent these things from happening?"

Easier said than done. I was on the pill for a while after my first abortion but it was very expenisve to obtain in Jamaica and since we were both students money was tight so we decided to be careful and not have sex around my ovulation time. We didn't use condoms either because they irritated me. I tried every kind, every brand but it gave me infections so I hated them.

But after my third abortion I had a plan. This wasn't going to happen again so we extended our "no-sex-during-ovulation" policy to 10 days.

Now by this time our relationship was beginning to fall apart as well. Mainly because I felt so guilty from having these abortions and I blamed him for not supporting me more and being braver than I was and insisting we have the child. He reminded me always that he never pushed me to have those abortions but I always threw back in his face that he didn't push me NOT to have them either. So our sex life dwindled and I didn't get pregnant for a while again.

Then in Spetember 2004 he graduated and I came back to Jamaica for an extra year to make up for all my failed courses. I was living off campus by this time and he, trying to be supportive paid my bills and really tried to make up for everything now that he was working. He really wanted things to be different and for our relationship to survive. So our sex life improved again. But there was still something missing for me and we broke up in December.

A couple weeks into December I found out I was 2 months pregnant. I was devastated and thought I would just kill myself now because I couldn't believe I was in this situation again. This time though I decided that I should go through with the pregnancy despite everything. I never wanted to be a single mother, or a "poor" mother, but I knew I was damaging my body and I would never forgive myself if I couldn't have kids one day.

Then one day in February 2005 I went into a spiral of depression and finally called my mother in tears to tell her what happened. She insisted that I come home and have an abortion. She didn't even want to hear of me having a child. So in one week I was home and taken to a clinic by my aunt (whom she sought for advice) and I had my 4th abortion.

This time though it was the most painful thing ever. I cried and bawled in the doctor's office. And he kept asking me to be quiet because I would scare away his patients. He used the scraping method on me and for the first time I was able to see everything. I even heard my babies body parts falling in junks in the bucket below me. Yes I was having twins. It was horrible! I left there and hid myself away for like 6 months. Not wanting to see anyone or talk to anyone. I had nightmares every single night and I cried all the time.

Eventually though I took my last bit of strength and decided to put my life back together and go back to finish my studies becuase I left in the middle of my final semester.

So I went back, did summer school, passed all my exams with flying colours and came back to St. Augusitne and did an extra semester to make up. Yes I had alot of making up to do. So finally my life was back on track. I finished school, had no one man in my life and was moving up the corporate ladder as I envisioned.

But I still wasn't careful. I became cold, dejected, and closed off to any serious relationships but I was promiscuous and sleeping around alot. Mostly with older men though( although I tried to stay away from the married ones). But there were one or two in my mix. I became the perfect outside woman.

Then I met this guy in December 2006 and fell head over heels in love with him. He was everything a woman like me dreamt of in a man. Respectable, trustworthy, committed, he was it! But he lived abroad so our relationship for the first couple of months were long distance and we saw each other a once a month when he visited my side of the world.

But the thing is I didn't stop sleeping around even though I convinced him that he was the only one. So in February 2007 he asked me to move to his country to live with him which I agreed to. But I wasn't planning on leaving until April so I thought I would just have one more rounds of fun before I go and that led me missing yet another period.

So I was pregnanant for the 5th time in March 2007 and knew for sure I couldn't have this baby. I did manage to convince him that it was his even though I knew it wasn't but he said to me he thought it was too soon for us to have a child considering everything so when I get to his country he will take care of everything.

I think he also knew in his heart it wasn't his since we were always very careful and used condoms but he was very much in love with me and wanted it to work so once I agreed to the abortion he could put it behind him.

I therefore arrived to his country within a few of weeks and in a couple of days I was no longer pregnant. Thank God I wasn't over 6 weeks so I was able to take the tablets that induce abortions and not have to go through that terrible procedure I did before. And the good thing is that abortions are not illegal in this country so the health care is very good so fortunately I had no complications afterwards.

He also was very attentive and took care of me very well. Then soon after we got a prescription for the patch and I have been on that since then. It works like a charm because we do have unprotective sex now that he is conviced I am monogamous and he took me to get HIV tests and such and everything turned out well.

Finally I have found myself and found the solution to my problem but not a day goes by when I am not scared and wonder if I have damaged my body in anyway. I tried going for a check up the other day but I couldn't get it done as the doctor told me I had to wait a couple of months because I had a bad vaginal infection that needed to cure first. So I am still not in the clear yet but I hope to be soon...

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